Who loves you?

Someone asked me this simple question the other day: Who loves you?

This question actually got me pretty depressed. 

Because today I realized, that I don't really let anyone near me, ever, not enough for them to love me, and certainly not enough for me to love them. And I'm slowly ending up with being so lonely on these damn nights, being so rejected from society, in my own little bubble. I decline any feeling of friendship or commitment, and I scare people away by always expecting the worst of them and never fully trusting them. 

I'm afraid of everything happening over again, because they all pretty much did the same; they let me down, they left me, they broke promises, they rejected my love, they fucked with my emotions. 

And it's not just love, and it's not just my parents, and it's not just my friends in elementary school, it's all of them, they all disappointed me. They all did. 

Somehow, I still tend to let someone in once in a while. I can't figure quite out how to do that carefully, it's either in or out, and when I open up, everything just floads out of me like a giant tsunami, crashing every house near the beach and filling up every street, drowning every living creature. I don't know how to stop once I've started, and I always ALWAYS end up ruining everything myself. I get attached. I start loving uncontrollably with no sense of sanity. I loose my mind. I go crazy over the smallest things. I become SO SO nervous about every little detail. I need them to love me. I need them to tell me they love me. I need them to be around when I need them, at every certain point of time. I need them to take care of me. 

So, by now, you would probably see why it's impossible for anyone to love me. I either throw you away and mistrust you, or I make you crazy by harassing you with my enormous needs for your presence and care. 



I'm a psycho.